아이유 (IU) – 팔레트 (Palette)

(5/6)
Things didn’t get better immediately. No matter where I fell asleep, my bed, my desk, or the floor, I ended up in that same damn place in my dreams, driving around in circles, waiting and waiting. I stayed at work until midnight and forced myself to leave the house on weekends because my own room, my own bed, was where I felt the most distant. I still drank myself to sleep, and much of my life seemed to have stayed the same. Except for one big difference: people.

I was never too close to people. Ever since I felt abandoned in middle school, a self-imposed misery, I promised myself to never rely on, or be a burden to, others. I only needed myself. I thought I could go through anything. But once I lost a hold of myself, I didn’t know where to turn. I didn’t want to drag people I cared about into my own problems, nor did I want to cry for attention from people who didn’t care about me. I needed people whom I could relate to, whom I knew who wouldn’t judge me for who I was, and that’s exactly what I got.

My new coworkers. Around the same age as me, most of them a bit older. We had a lot in common, from personalities to hobbies. I respected them, and they (hopefully) respected me back. I enjoyed talking to them, and found myself actually opening up a little. During one of our conversations, I mindlessly told one of my coworkers how I’ve been feeling lately, how I’ve lost the motivation to live on. She said “lul.” She fucking lul’ed. I laughed. How does that not scare you, when I’m basically saying I could kill myself tonight? “We’re all there,” she said. We’re all there. We talked and we talked, until I closed my eyes, no longer feeling alone in this world.

Turns out, life was no longer a race. We didn’t have to try and one-up each other anymore. We may all be in the same ocean, but we weren’t on the same boat. Instead, we were in our own little rafts, just cruising a long, just trying to get by. Who cares if some are ahead or if some are behind, we were all headed to different places anyways. Not a race, not a competition. Only yourself to worry about.

And that’s when I found the “the purpose of life”. Nothing. There’s no purpose to any of this. And as nihilistic as that may sound, the thought alone was so relieving. We don’t have to study, we don’t have to work, we don’t have to make money, heck, we don’t have to live. No one was there anymore to grade me every step of the way, telling me that I failed, pointing where to go. Who cares if someone got into Harvard, if someone works for Facebook, or if someone makes six figures? That wasn’t where I was headed anyways. I’ve been asking the wrong question all long. It’s not about the purpose, it’s about my purpose. What’s my purpose in my life?

At the age of 25, I finally started the search for myself, one gentle row at a time.