안녕하신가영 (Hello Gayoung) – 좋아하는 마음 (This Things Called Love)

It’s like I’m the harbinger of drama, caught by a diabolus ex machina. I go out for one weekend, trying to take my mind off things, and all hell breaks loose. It all started a few weeks ago with a Facebook message.
I’m usually pretty good at replying to messages sent to my page, but this question had me stumped. Why… why do people ask me for relationship advice? Is it because I look like I’d have friends or a significant other? Or perhaps it’s because I seem to be fine without either. Whatever the reason, I couldn’t come up with an answer right away because it’s a question I’ve been trying to answer for myself for quite awhile. Well, it had been some time since I gave this whole relationship thing much thought, so I decided to have another go at it. After a full day of reflection, I replied to her with my thoughts and wished everything would work out for her to which she responded “Haha thanks^^”, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I was back to wondering where it all went wrong for me.

I never had expectations. I didn’t want anything in particular from them because the fact that they loved me was more than enough. Yet I spent so much effort trying to convince myself that I can’t or don’t love them back. What’s the meaning of love anyways? That’s been quite the topic between me and my coworker lately. I told her I’ve only seen love as an emotion, like sadness or happiness, it’s a feeling that comes and goes, never to stay. She said that’s one form of love, but there’s also “looooveee”, the kind that stays through hate and tears. Sure, I said, I think I can kind of see that now, I see what you mean…. so do you think you loved anyone? Yes, she said, but that doesn’t change the fact that all men are wolves, all they care about is sex. I said that’s not true. Then she showed me a text:

“I sometimes think about what we had, it was nice. would be up for casual sex tho.”

It was from her ex… what a relief it is to know that I’m not the worst ex boyfriend out there. I’m not going to lie, I had moments when I thought I loved only for the body, and being the genius that I am, I verbalized that thought to my then girlfriend, asking what if that’s the case… but even as I said it, I knew that wasn’t true, that’s not who I am. Then why did I say it, or even think it? Maybe it was a sick and twisted way of showing my love, letting her know that I care. Or maybe I’m just a fucking idiot, who knows. Talking to my coworker only made things worse, I needed to stop thinking. I thought maybe a weekend out would help so I decided to hang out with some of my friends from school.

“Uh, I might need a little bit of time cause my girlfriend just broke up with me.” Here I was, thinking I’m going to have a relaxing weekend full of wine and board games, then a friend tells me this. Despite the situation, however, he seemed fine. He even said himself he was fine, but I’ve seen this happen before so many times, that defense mechanism kicking in. Denial, repression, intellectualization and rationalization. We try our hardest to seem OK, tell ourselves we don’t care, that it’s probably for the better, it would’ve happened sooner or later. He even joked about how funny it would be since our ex’s would be roommates. Disgusting. As much as I wished to steer clear of any drama for the weekend, I felt like I had to say something. If you have any feelings left, I said, just a tiny little bit, then let her know. Sure, you may think you’re fine now, but with time, you’ll know. Just ask her for some time alone, and if you love her, just say that you love her. What do you have to lose by saying the truth, especially when you have everything to lose by not doing so.

He left to talk to his girlfriend as I sank into the couch. I just wanted to play Catan and sip on cheap wine, no more of this drama. Well, God said too bad cause apparently another friend wanted to confess to a girl. What should I do, he asked, and I told him not to do it, knowing very well that nothing was going to stop him from doing so at this point. He worried he might lose her as a friend, but what’s a loss of a friend when wars have been fought in the name of love. He wasn’t really in a position to lose her. He’s been feeling lost, as a lot of soon-to-be graduates do, and he felt like she was the only friend he had left. Yet he still did it, for the Helen of Troy.

In the end, everything was back to normal. A nice tear-filled session for the first friend seemed to have reassured their love, and a deeper friend zone was all that came out for the second. Why do we do this to ourselves, I wonder. We willingly give up so much time and effort, even going against our own better judgement at times, for this thing called love. It would be so much easier to just stop thinking about the adorable, good-hearted boy, to not let one ex define half of humanity, to break up with her, to not confess, and to move on from her. But it can’t be helped, cause we’d much rather feel pain in the truth that we love them than live in the comfort of lies.