Today was the day I parted ways with a worry that’s been haunting me for the past 13 months, a worry that has driven away close friends and families.
Following my graduation from college, I came back home jobless. Rejection after rejection, I felt worthless and unwanted, and as I mentioned in a post long ago, the wrong people were affected by it. Every word and every look from my grandparents dug deep, even when they didn’t say a single word. I filled the silence at the dinner table with my own words and I brought myself down. Then I took a job I knew I would hate.
Things got worse. I hated the work, I hated some of the people, and I hated myself. I knowingly put myself in that situation, and it seemed like I had no choice but to take responsibility of it. I never told anyone explicitly how much it hurt, even those who deserved to know. My pride kept me shut. But for every afternoon I spent stuck in traffic with red-eyes staring down at me, I became jealous, sulky, and offended at basically everything. I hate the feeling of regret, and it was everywhere. I feared that this may be it, that this is what life is. So I decided to leave.
That decision alone didn’t fix anything. In fact, it brought me down even further, to my lowest point. While I seemed excited on the outside, I was worried. Worried that things will be exactly the same, that nothing would be different, that this IS what life is. During my last weekend’s move up to Boston, I was faced with problems after problems, and I had a very bad hunch of the whole thing. Insomnia struck at the worst time possible; my head hurt, but I couldn’t sleep. What a ****ing ****ty way to start my new job, I thought. What a great way to start my new job, I said.
Today was my first day. I walked in, and was greeted with a smile. I walked two streets down with my brunette coworker to pick up my new Macbook Pro. There I was greeted by the wagging tail of a cute little puppy. I got my laptop, got set up, granted access to all the databases, and given all the licenses for the software. I came back, more smiles. Got a shirt that’s two sizes too large on me. Had a catered BBQ lunch with ribs, chicken, pulled pork, sausage, mac n cheese, and mashed potato. Oh, and cornbread, can’t forget cornbread. My other Asian male coworker guided me through the initial steps, then he told me to just play around and teach myself. So I did. We had some laughs about soju and how sweet it is (what?). Even more smiles. But then it happened. No, actually, nothing happened. The day was over. And I felt so relieved. I forgot what it felt like to be surrounded by people who I really enjoy being around. I missed this, and now I had it. Now I have it. Now.
Here’s my Snapchat adventure. Had to save so many to My Story cause of this haha. (For some reason, the video seems to be rotated when played on Internet Explorer.. sorry about that.)
Following my graduation from college, I came back home jobless. Rejection after rejection, I felt worthless and unwanted, and as I mentioned in a post long ago, the wrong people were affected by it. Every word and every look from my grandparents dug deep, even when they didn’t say a single word. I filled the silence at the dinner table with my own words and I brought myself down. Then I took a job I knew I would hate. Things got worse. I hated the work, I hated some of the people, and I hated myself. I knowingly put myself in that situation, and it seemed like I had no choice but to take responsibility of it. I never told anyone explicitly how much it hurt, even those who deserved to know. My pride kept me shut. But for every afternoon I spent stuck in traffic with red-eyes staring down at me, I became jealous, sulky, and offended at basically everything. I hate the feeling of regret, and it was everywhere. I feared that this may be it, that this is what life is. So I decided to leave.
That decision alone didn’t fix anything. In fact, it brought me down even further, to my lowest point. While I seemed excited on the outside, I was worried. Worried that things will be exactly the same, that nothing would be different, that this IS what life is. During my last weekend’s move up to Boston, I was faced with problems after problems, and I had a very bad hunch of the whole thing. Insomnia struck at the worst time possible; my head hurt, but I couldn’t sleep. What a ****ing ****ty way to start my new job, I thought. What a great way to start my new job, I said.
Today was my first day. I walked in, and was greeted with a smile. I walked two streets down with my brunette coworker to pick up my new Macbook Pro. There I was greeted by the wagging tail of a cute little puppy. I got my laptop, got set up, granted access to all the databases, and given all the licenses for the software. I came back, more smiles. Got a shirt that’s two sizes too large on me. Had a catered BBQ lunch with ribs, chicken, pulled pork, sausage, mac n cheese, and mashed potato. Oh, and cornbread, can’t forget cornbread. My other Asian male coworker guided me through the initial steps, then he told me to just play around and teach myself. So I did. We had some laughs about soju and how sweet it is (what?). Even more smiles. But then it happened. No, actually, nothing happened. The day was over. And I felt so relieved. I forgot what it felt like to be surrounded by people who I really enjoy being around. I missed this, and now I had it. Now I have it. Now.
Here’s my Snapchat adventure. Had to save so many to My Story cause of this haha. (For some reason, the video seems to be rotated when played on Internet Explorer.. sorry about that.)
들어와요 어서 들어와요
내가 만든 작은 세상으로
졸린 곰도 길을 잃은 다람쥐도
어림없죠 그대밖에는
들어와요 들어와요
창이 없어도 나는 빛을 볼 수 있어
들어와요 어서 들어와요
내 마지막 온기는 그대 것이니까
나는 깨어 있을 거예요
매일 밤 그대 곤히 잠들 때까지
봄이 오면 함께 떠나요
모든 슬픔 여기 가둬두고서
들어 봐요 귀 기울여 봐요
내가 지은 그대 위한 노래
밤 짐승도 약이 오른 아기 새도
소용없죠 그대 앞에선
내일은 더 찬 바람이 분대요
철새들은 어제 출발했어요
극명하던 푸르름과 시들음의 차이도
하얀 눈 속에선 의미를 잃어 가네요
들어와요 들어와요
초라하지만 여기만은 안전해요
들어와요 어서 들어와요
내 마지막 향기는 그대 향해 있으니
나는 깨어 있을 거예요
매일 밤 그대 곤히 잠들 때까지
봄이 오면 함께 떠나요
모든 슬픔 여기 가둬두고서
모든 두려움 다 떨쳐 버리고
Come on in, come on in quick
Into this little world of mine
A world where only you can come and rest
Not even the sleepy bears or the lost squirrels
Come on in, come on in
There may be no windows but there’s light
Come on in, come on in quick
My last warmth is all yours
I will stay awake every night
Until you close your eyes
We’ll leave here when spring comes
With all our sadness caged behind
Listen, listen carefully
To the song I have written for you
A song only you can enjoy
Not even the wolves or the miffed birds
The wind will only get colder
And the birds left for the south
The amaranth leaves and the fallen flowers
All look the same under the white snow
Come on in, come on in
It’s not much but I’ll keep you safe
Come on in, come on in quick
My last scent is all yours
I will stay awake every night
Until you close your eyes
We’ll leave here when spring comes
With all our sadness caged behind
With all our fears left behind
I’m glad you like your new job! Not everyone is brave enough to let go of something they hate xD Good luck with everything :)
Thanks