we hate jh – 아스팔트 (Asphalt)

Came across this group randomly on Facebook. The song reminds me of the Japanese anime outros I fell asleep to in high school. Makes me quite nostalgic.
I originally planned this to be a vlog post, but I’m still not fully comfortable talking into that dimly lit dimwitted face of mine when I’m recording myself, so a blog it is. It really is an odd feeling you get, watching yourself talk… Anyways, writing as opposed to talking gives me a veil I can hide under, a false sense of security that I’m not being judged by what I write. Whatever.

As some of you may already know, I recently moved back to Boston. Well, I say recently, but it’s already been four months, and looking back, those four months have been quite arguably the most eventful and transformative time of my life. I dyed my hair. Finished a book. Purchased a camera. Got a cat. Named her Kat. Started showering at night instead of in the morning. And I slowly began to love my weekdays, even more than my weekends. Yes, I love Mondays and I hate Fridays. I never thought I’d say that.

I’m blunt and prideful, which is a nice way of saying that I’m an ignorant asshole. I’m also a lazy perfectionist, two qualities which when combined, result in the worst productivity imaginable; I refuse to half ass things, yet I’m unwilling to put the time and effort in to perfect anything. Still, I consider myself to be pretty smart and a fairly quick learner. In fact, learning is the one thing I truly enjoy. The only reason I decided to study physics and math was for the challenge, trying to understand the intricately simple set of rules that govern the universe. And that adrenaline rush I get from finally figuring something out, finally understanding how and why, that feeling… that feeling is unmatched.

And perhaps that’s why I also get bored of things quickly. I get “intellectually frustrated” when I stop learning new things or don’t have anyone around to intellectually engage me, and the repetitive, albeit stable, adulthood life provided neither. I had two people who I could talk to, even relate to, but that simply didn’t do. Every night as I went to sleep alone, it felt like another day wasted, and it hurt my pride. My dreams and ambitions that once kept me up now became the fantasies that put me to sleep. Is this all I am? I want to be more. I’ve always enjoyed being alone, always found comfort in it. Then why am I so lonely right now?

Now here I am, in Cambridge, Massachusetts, surrounded by people I can relate to, people who will laugh at all the stupid remarks I make, people who, to my surprise, seem to like me for who I am. And I’ve recovered from the post-graduate crisis that hit me hard. I’m back to being my spontaneous self, and I find myself revisiting all my ambitions, the ones I had since I was a kid. I’m still lazy, but I’m slowly making progress. I have so many things I want to do, too many things. I’m the type of person who’d much rather take the rocky road, with highs as big as the lows, even if the end-point is the same. I don’t want to live a boring life. So I won’t let myself.